f r e d r i k

more later,

gabriel

Glass to the Face

Have you ever broken some one's nose? Have you ever drunkenly started talking shit, been provoked by a cold beverage poured on the lap, staggered to your feet and then hurled a glass-chunk at your assailant?

What a privilege I've had to take part in such an affair. However, it has hardly been a privilege.

Because the dynamic of this study abroad program is one where the students are in daily contact with the same people, an incident like this can prove to take one back to the cliché halls of high school. The halls where an outcast can't bear to walk to the next class, instead taking refuge in the bathroom, evading the stares and whispers that follow him/her around every corner.

I think the worst part about this is that I probably won't confront the person I attacked. Sure, I will continue to be in the same building as him and I'll occasionally walk past him or see him walking up the stairs like this morning. Yet, because of the person I am, in this unique situation, I will continue to run away. Run away from the awkwardness, from the embarrassment, from the crude realization that I did something wrong.

Run.

Away.

This is not how I see myself leading my life. Running away? If anything, I did the exact opposite that Sunday morning. I'm trying to pinpoint what exactly is bothering me about all of this; being alone with my thoughts I feel a bit directionless. A friend once shared with me how he felt that a lot of people apologize to have a certain weight lifted away more so than for actually feeling remorse. I have to agree I fall in this category for the time being. I want to walk up to him, apologize for being a impulsive fool, for causing him such a uncomfortable injury, and return to the mundane normalcy that existed between us before. However, I'm bothered by the fact that he could dismiss me and I could potentially make the situation worse.

I suppose other people find similar situations equally puzzling. It can be like the sin. What one chooses to do and chooses not to do.

I'll take the sin. It's the choice I made when I picked up that piece of glass, aimed, and threw. I also choose to leave the situation the way it is- to not do. There was a reason I engaged in that mindless, 2 minute brawl. And I suppose that reason is because deep within I choose not to run away. On the one hand, I'm not an aggressive blockhead that picks fights to mark his territory but in the other, I'm not an inferior insignificant that can't stand his ground.

Needless to say, this has been exhausting. I feel like making some fun of it, so I'll share the analogy I came up with today in school:

It's like that raw feeling you have after taking a shit. People know you just took a shit because of how long you were in the bathroom but they also acknowledge that everyone takes shits and that it's not that big of a deal. However, you still feel awkward when returning to the class and hope the feeling soon passes.

Not many people break noses but we all have our shit. I only hope the feeling doesn't last for much longer.

(but for the record, I would like to tell him I'm very sorry...)

more later,

g