Dear Me,

I am okay....
Though I'm in one of the brightest points in my life, the cold air still blows right through me; I cower in the shade, rather than bathe in the sun.

Here's a poem, (written for a Natural Histories and Humanities course):

______________

Invierno

leap Frog, leap;

hide

winter is coming

Squirrels pack their nests-

a steady humming.

sleep Bear, sleep

Her heart

a soft drumming.

snow

through the wind

White Wolf is running

in the night

White Fox is cunning

the silence is stunning

awake Snowy Owl

___________

I've had two recent experiences with dying insects. The cold is growing too strong for them to survive, I suppose. This picture was taken in Venice. I found this grasshopper sitting next to a fountain where there were three turtles that (to me) should obviously not have been out in such cold weather and in such cold water. There were three- One was moving, one was barely moving with blacked skin, and one didn't seem to be moving at all at the bottom of the fountain. I suppose the people of the business who owned the fountain were simply indifferent or didn't know anything about cold-blooded animals. "How cruel", I thought. Anyway, I picked up the grasshopper and took it to a better spot for some shots. This was the best one. Here, it doesn't look like it's dying but I'm convinced otherwise. It was moving so slowly and could barely jump to get away from me. Then yesterday, I was walking down the street when I saw a praying mantis upside down on the sidewalk. I picked it up, one because I thought I had stepped on it, but after realizing it must have fallen from the overhanging plants on the balconies above, I tried to see if there was still life in it. It was an incredible creature. Even it it's slow movements, probably close to death, I was in awe of its existence. I held it tenderly as I walked, trying to find a tree to place it in. When I set it high above the ground on the bark of a tree, it seemed to perk up a bit. I wanted to wait there and simply watch it. But the embarrassment of being looked at awkwardly by passersby but more importantly, the image of it simply dying right there, persuaded me to walk on. The grasshopper, the praying mantis, and the turtles. Even in death, things can have the slightest hint of beauty.

more later,

gabriel

Fickle

If you, the reader, would like to listen to the new song, I think you have to scroll all the way to the bottom and press play. I don't know why mixpod isn't working like it usually does.

So, here starts the first post of the semester.

Upon arriving to Spain, naturally, many things were going to through my head. "How can I do this?", "Can I really do this for a year", "I'm on the plane....I'm going", "I'm here, I like it....now what?"

The night before I left for Houston, which is where I was going to take British Airlines out of the country and where I visited my brother and his family, I almost decided not to go. However, that's how things usually go. I get cold feet; I want to stay exactly where I am, in my nice little comfort zone. Thankfully, I took the plunge and walked out the door of my home in Lubbock and began the journey.

I'll skip all of my traveling stories, as most people have interesting ones, but this post is not about how things were. It's about how things are now.

I'm having a rough time right now. It's 10:05 PM on a Wednesday evening and I'm alone in the apartment waiting for my host mom and sister(s) to get home. I've been arriving late almost every day so I'm not discouraged by their absence. Also, I had a few things to eat so I'm not craving food and I'll be able to wait for dinner which will probably be in 45 minutes.

School is just shy of out of control, getting around the city is with a healing ankle (from being sprained) can sometimes be a drain, but most of all (the thing that is kind of bothering me the most) some of the students I'm here with I simply don't like.

I've listened, watched, observed, and interacted with almost everyone. It's only the 2nd week and I respect that in a lifetime, one can still not know anything about any one person, but I feel like I have a pretty good feel of how people are, at least on the surface. >If the surface of the water is covered with a layer of gunk, I'm disinterested from the get-go, no matter how cool and refreshing the water is below< What I mean by that is some people here act a certain way that discourages me from wanting to pursue their character any further.

Now comes the interesting part, at least to me.

I kind of isolate myself, not excessively, but to the extent where some think I am totally not who I am. They may think I'm rude, or a recluse. Whatever, I don't care. But I actually do, or I wouldn't be writing this.

Yes, I do think a lot of the students studying abroad here from Tech lack substance and are in serious denial of what can really be important right now in our youth.

So what if I don't go to the beach in Cádiz or Lagos? I have my own priorities, my own wishes, and because I say no, it doesn't mean I don't want to be with the group. It can mean that I'm going to be here a little longer than most and I don't feel obligated to do some things. "But Gabe, you can't go in the Spring, they don't offer..blah..blah.........." Instead, I'd enjoy walking around, taking photos, getting lost, and finding my way in the place I'm going to live for a little over 8 months.


I won't go on.
Key points are:
-I don't like some of the people here.
- I'm fine with not liking some people here and them not liking me.
- I really like being in Spain
- I love Spanish
- I'm tired of typing so I'm going to end this post and besides, mom and sis are home- more food, yess, but in moderation.

more later,

gabriel

Limbo

HOME

Alabama Arkansas I do Love my Ma and Pa
But not as much as I do Love you
Holy Moly Me oh My your the apple of my eye
Girl aint never loved one like you
Man o Man your my best friend I scream it to the nothingness
that we got everything we need
Hot and Heavy pumpkin pie
Chocolate candy Jesus Christ
Aint nothin please me more than you

(Chorus)
Home, Let me come Home
Home is Whenever I'm with you
Home, yes I am Home
Home is wherever I'm with you

Lalalala Take me Home
Mama I'm Coming Home

I follow you into the park, through the jungle through the dark
Girl aint never loved one like you
Moats and boats and Waterfalls, Alleyways and payphone calls
I been everywhere with you
Laugh until we think we'll die, barefoot on a summer night
never could be sweeter than with you

like its only you and me jade/ebes your somethin to see

(Chorus)

Lalalala take me home
Mama Im Comin Home

Jade, you remember that night you fell outa my window?
ya you came jumpin out after me
well, you were bleedin all over the place and I covered your ass with your dress and we went off to the hospital, you remember that?
ya
well there's somethin I never told you bout that night
what didn't you tell me?
well, while you were sitting in the back seat smokin a cigarette you thought was gona be your last, I was fallin deep, deep in love with you, and I never told you till just now!

(Chorus)

Home, let me come home, home is wherever I'm with you
Home, yes I am Home home is whenever I'm with you!

Alabama Arkansas I do love my Ma and Pa
Yes Home, yes ward! home is whenever I'm with you!
Home is whenever I'm with you.

~Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros~

I'm feeling completely unstable right now, so this is it.

more later,

g

The Bluberries Are In the Fridge

I don't feel like going to bed right now. I'm sleepy, the screen is blurring, and it's becoming tiresome to blink but the late-night meal I had about 2o minutes ago is still settling in my stomach. I didn't overindulge but I could have eaten a bit lighter. My snacking on blueberries transitioned into three small bean tacos from Rosa's. I just like beans so much. Beans, beans, beans. Watching Weeds took some time off my hands and let the food settle some more.

I'll keep waiting, though.

Cydnee took me to the movies tonight. I physically drove us but she payed for the ticket- an outrageous nine dollars. However, I thought the film we saw was worth every cent.

Movie review: Inception

A terrific, mind blowing film of the infinite possibilities and wonders of the mind. Leonardo DiCaprio does it again- his performance is fantastic.

Cyd and I were talking last night about my upcoming year abroad. She said she would love to come see me and I would equally like her company for some time during the winter break. She mentioned something about being so excited but foreseeing that this adventure could probably not take place for a few reasons, money being a big one. However, I promised her I would help her. I have a shit-load of scholarships coming my way but I'm going to take out my first loan for this trip as the estimated cost is very high.

I will take out money from my loan to help Cyd come and visit me if she needs it. It's not that I'm scared I'll be alone this December or that I'm dying to have someone visit me. It's more the thought of having her, my good, good friend travel across an ocean and spend some time with me in another country. My loan will not be big at all and what is, at maximum, like five hundred dollars more? Pff, nothing. The exchange of work and time would be well worth the experience to me. Maybe I'm being irrational. Mom says I obsess. Cyd and I have discussed how it might be better not to obsess but to try and really work towards this. I know she has to do much more work than me, but still- she need only ask and boom, she'll get her tickets to and from Europe.

So....healthy thoughts. If it ends up that she can't come, so be it.

Thanks, Cyd.

I put the blueberries back in the fridge and now I'm ending this post.

more later,

gabriel

A List

° I like Yoga, even though I do it poorly.
° I like meditating, even if I've only done it once.
° I like change, even though change may not be liked.

I simply have nothing to say, yet I want to say so many things. To write down in words what I am thinking and feeling will never truly give these thoughts and convictions justice.

I'll just read from the Tao.

° I love being, in its entirety- there is so much to learn.

more later,

gabe

When A Storm Comes In the Night

We knew it was going to rain. I mean, there was lightning and thunder and it began to sprinkle again. I'm not sure if it was the heavy food I ate or the curiosity of running beneath a storm, but I was convinced that I needed to run and I was going to take Sandy and Sophie, the two vanilla lab/chow mixed breeds, along with me. When I house and dog sit for Laura and Miriam, I take the dogs for a daily walk. We walk because it's usually hot and I have this idea that their thick coats are just shy of torturous under the West Texas sun.

This night, however, the air felt crisp and fresh, and the clouds were waiting to open. We were definitely going for a run. 'Course, it doesn't matter what time of day or what the dew point is because Sandy and Soph are ready to go as soon as they hear the soft chinks of their leash.

As soon as we left the backyard, more rain drops began to fall. The sky was full of noise and light. I was nervous that we'd find ourselves in a bad situation but the dogs kept on walking and wagging their tails, their snouts scouting for new scents. We crossed University St. and stepped onto the Texas Tech campus. Avoiding the puddles for the moment, we walked briskly and with purpose- out of the three of us, Sandy and I are the most out-of-shape.

The sky kept breaking and we kept walking.

Warm-up ended, and we began to run. Then, the expected happened. Curtains of rain began to fall on us as we turned right on Flint Ave. and headed north. At first, the rain surprised the dogs and caused a few missteps but they quickly resumed pace in front of me. I was soaked in less than a minute; they were soaked in about two.

I think it was when we reached the Mass Communications building that I realized how rejuvenating this run had become. My clothes were sticking to me, almost as if they weren't there at all, and I was running nude. It felt weird, but I began to focus on how cleansing the moment felt. The dogs were panting. Still, they kept at my side- I'm certain the rain helped hydrate them to some extent.

The puddles of the evening became small ponds of the night. My lips tasted salty from my sweat and my nose was filled with the smell of wet dog. Yet the rain constantly washed and rewashed away any sourness I could experience.

I thought about how in literature, rain can symbolize rebirth. For those forty five minutes or so under the storm, I let the rain wash away any tensions I had. They fell to the ground with each step like the water on my body, collected in pools, and I forgot them.

With fresh rain bathing my face and in rhythm with the run, I only focused on being.

more later,

Gabe

the Lights are on; the Drapes are open

This summer has proven to be exceptionally trialing. Living with mom and dad again brings back the troubling past. Arguments, shouts, tears, minds in confusion, and words spoken too soon. We are not in the past, though. We are in the present.

[I am a significant part of the problem.]

I named this post, "the Lights are On; the Drapes are open".
One of my book shelves is in front of the window in my room. When I first moved back to the house, I would close the curtains each night and reopen them again in the morning but that became monotonous and I tired of caring. I used to be very concerned with potential eyes spying from a distance but I've since stopped caring too. I mean, the window doesn't face the street, but still, at one point that would unsettle me greatly. I also have the fan light on which is exceptionally brighter than my lamps. The naked window combined with the bright light make for a very vulnerable environment. However, I am vulnerable. I am strong, yes, but sometimes, especially these past weeks, I've been tested constantly and my flaws have shone brighter that normal. Mom and Dad see them. Dark colors are revealed to the ones I love most- the ones I feel most comfortable around.

I'm strong in that I accept my vulnerability and exist. I can simply be. I can also work on being more productive around the house to help out my parents, who give me everything.

more later,

gabriel

The Smell of Eggs

I don't give advice very often. Listening to people, to my friends and family, associates and 'enemies', I'm constantly observing. How does he/she lead her life? Do they know truth? Do they know love? With some people, I'm relaxed and I feel completely comfortable. My comfort may come from many things, but I what I tap into the most is some one's presence. Let's say I'm with a friend and we are talking with one another but he or she is constantly getting texts, responding to these messages, or looking over my head to others around. Or, let's say I'm with a friend who's constantly expressing ideas with little substance, e.g. "This should be like this", "Why is this the way it is?", or "That's life". Maybe I'm losing you. The point I'm trying to make is that I can tell when someone is consumed by things that are probably not in his or her best interest; that they are not acting, living, and thinking in the present. I can feel their insecurities, their worry- their glass is half empty. However, I rarely try to change the thought process. Yes, I'm their friend and I care about them. Yes, I have strong convictions that if he or she did this or that, then things might be 'better'. In the end, though, it's only better in my eyes. What is good for me is most likely not good for another. I could talk to my friend for a long time and still have said nothing. I mean, I can be saying nothing right now. If they ask for help, I will give it. Always. I will choose my words with caution.

No one gave me advice. (Of course my mom and dad lead by example, but their worth is beyond words.) In the end, in my deepest shit, it was I who persevered. Not any other soul ran my race. Just me. Heck, I'm still running.

More later,

gabe

Summer Nights in West Texas

Wow, I just got pulled over by a cop for the second time in less than three months. This time, I inched forward too much and failed to signal 100 feet before the turn. Granted, it was about 2:20 AM, but still. I mean, c'mon, give me a break. I received a verbal warning and yes, I'm fucking thankful. Gah, if I had gotten another ticket, that would have sucked exponentially. The first ticket was awarded to me in May when I failed to stop at a stop sign on campus. I'll give it to that cop- it's like mom said, "You could have been a predator for all he knew." The cop tonight, well, I simply think he thought I was drunk. I do, however, have this idea that these two cops haven't liked my liberal, pro-environment, and evocative stickers. Fuck 'em. I kept thinking, "I hate cops, I hate all cops, I HATE all cops." I really don't. I have clocked a few going well over the speed limit and doing other trivial illegal things, but of course, I've never seen a cop pull over another cop. The system is corrupt. Whatever.

The point of this post was to illuminate how I have really enjoyed being in, dare I say it, Lubbock, Texas. These past weeks have been relaxing. No, I don't have a job and I have very few commitments (the ones I do have I tend to half-ass or procrastinate on, duh) so it's only logical that I am having such a nice time. Yes, I do waste time watching Weeds on Netflix and sleeping until the early afternoon, but I'm enjoying myself! Very much. Leave it up to my mother to point out where I'm drifting from "the norm".
I love her. So much. And that's all I'll say about her.

It's been wonderful to step outside around 8:30 PM, see the clouds roll in, let the dogs rest on the back porch with me, and just sit in silence. I hear the last songs of the birds as they settle down for the night. I feel the temperature gradually drop and the breeze quicken around my body. It's transforming.
I am a creature of the night.

Rain may come.
Last night, I was trying to catch up on my reading and I decided to sit out back again. Despite the few bug bites, it's was calming to listen to the rain and have jazz playing on one of the public radio stations. If you live in Lubbock, 88.1 FM is nonstop Jazz in the evening and all-day BBC broadcasts. Bliss.

This world is good. Very good. One can say whatever he or she pleases to blame this or that for the evil that saturates our societies. Fuck it. What the hell does he or she know? Only what he or she knows, and that's it.

Hmm, I'll leave my other thoughts for another night.

G∆ß∑ 

The End Begins

In response to a friend's blog about why some people really don't like Justin Bieber...well, I suppose he's (the blogger) right in noting that some people just have different tastes. Maybe I'm just a little jealous because I'm a singer/songwriter as well, and I just don't think Justin Bieber is all that great. Sure his voice is "great" but it is really high. In response to the blogger's post: Justin Timberlake's music is similar, but I think Timberlake is advertising something a little different than Bieber. Buber, in my opinion, is just a "cute" wittle teenager with long hipster hair that wants as many young girls to scream over him as he can. I know, I know, Bieber has a single mother and without this revealed talent by Usher, they'd probably be struggling to make the minimum. Didn't the Jonas Brothers sell a very similar image to that of Bieber? I think so. The JB and Bieber's music, while I guess it's catchy and shows signs hard working individuals, has little substance as compared to many other artists. Whatever, that was enough of Bieber because I'm embarrassed that his image gets this much out of me.

Finals are litterally around the corner. Term papers, finals, book reviews, all that shit should be dominating my schedule. But whatever.

The summer should be good. Spain should be even better. My future looks even better than that.

At 19, almost 20, I've sincerely come to terms with the fact that I won't have enough time to do all the things I want/need to do in my life and that's okay.

Never stop questioning.

Book Review:
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
You, whoever you are, must read this book. It might change you a lot or not at all, but it's well worth the time. It's a highly intelligent work with dynamics that have the ability to reshape the way you perceive the people and places around you.

Movie Review:
Food, Inc.
Watch this.
And then watch PETA videos. Contrary to popular belief, these things are not radical, they're reality.

Music Review:
Plastikman
Minimalist techno is my new "love". Its smooth deep vibes transform me and I'd like to just be intoxicated and go on a journey.


Hush child, look closer.